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M.O.L.D. The Motorcycling Outlaw Lactose Dragsters |
VS.
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CRASS The Cheese Racing Association |
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THIS COULD GET UGLY.... |
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Once MAMBM was over, I joyfully sent the following message to Andy of CRASS, fully expecting his generous induction of MAMBM into the ranks of CRASS membership and sanctioning of further Cheeseracing events:
From: "Roger
Elmore"
To: "Andy
Smith"
Sent: Monday, June 17,
2002 7:24 AM
Subject: Re: CRASS
Membership
Well Andy, the party is
history. The Cheeseracing event was a huge success. It's part of the story at:
http://www.mambm.com/irl/MAMBM2002
His reply:
To: "Roger
Elmore"
Subject: Re: CRASS
Membership
From: "Andrew
Smith"
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002
23:10:48 +0100
Excellent cheese racing
photos - good work.
However I object very
strongly to your comment "Here this uppity Brit has the audacity to use
AMERICAN CHEESE in his sport". No where on the website does it mention
using American cheese - cheese slices sold here are NOT made in America! Kraft
may have its headquarters in America now - but if you look at their website
they started out in England. If you don't mind me saying so old chap - calling
it AMERICAN cheese is just typically arrogant of you Yanks :). (That's a smiley
cos I know Americans don't get sarcasm!).
Anyway race on dude -
but just remember to show a bit more respected for your old colonial masters!!
Cheers,
Andy.
Now why do I get the sensation I'm in a Monty Python movie, and this guy is the Frenchman on the wall? Excuse me Andy, but here's what I see in *my* grocer's case:
It's
Kraft and it's yellow, just like the cheese on your website. It's not white and
there are no holes in it. So it's not Swiss, Mozzarella or Pepperjack. It's
AMERICAN CHEESE!
One of the companies the AMERICAN corporation of Kraft later bought out might have been your candied fruit peel making Terry's of York, but *you* search the Kraft website and the first mention of CHEESE is:
1903
James L. Kraft begins a wholesale cheese business in Chicago, Illinois. By 1914
the company opens its first plant and begins manufacturing its own cheese.
I don't care if you make AMERICAN CHEESE in England or import it from TimBukTu. The proper term *is* AMERICAN CHEESE. What do you call it over there? COLONIAL CHEESE??? You don't mention AMERICAN CHEESE on your website because you know what's the best kind of cheese to use and you're too ashamed to admit it. You might have been whacked out enough to throw the first pieces over a fire, but you did it with AMERICAN CHEESE.
You're an uppity Limey, and I, as representative of the Tennessee U.S.A. chapter of M.O.L.D. (other US state and international motorcyclists are welcome to join) challenge you or any of your CRASS ilk to a real AMERICAN CHEESErace!
After viewing the above outburst, I received this reply:
To: "Roger
Elmore"
From: "Andrew
Smith"
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002
18:06:38 +0100
Oh dear - I am sorry my
friend but your remarks mearly prove your ignorance of the world outside of the
States.
Processed cheese slices
may well be known as 'American' cheese in America, however if you were to stop
someone on the street over here and ask 'Do you like American cheese?' there
response whould be 'What? I didn't even know Americans made cheese!'. A
processed cheese slice is known as a processed cheese slice here. Please see
attached pictures of cheese slice packets and note the complete absence of the
word 'American' on them.
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I am aware from my trips
to America that you only seem to have two types of cheese over there - 'Swiss'
(an American imitation of Swiss Emmental) and 'American', the only apparent
difference between the two being that one has holes in it (added artificially).
You must understand that in Britain and the rest of the world we have many
different type of cheese from many different countries, and whilst countries
like Holland (Edam), France (Brie), and England (Chedder, Cheshire) have
cheeses they are famous for - American cheese is virtually unknown and unheard
of. Now I'm not saying that American cheese is no good or any thing - I have
tried it and it tasted fine to me, I'm just saying that very few people outside
of the States would even have heard of 'American' cheese.
Anyhow - in the interest
of international relations and more importantly for the benefit of this great
sport - we would like to offer the valiant cheese racers of M.O.L.D. full
affiliation with CRASS. Keep the photos coming. I may well link to some on the
website if that's all right with you.
Cheers,
Andy.
I'm appalled by the unpardonable lack of
credit given to Processed American Cheese in England and other parts of the
world. I would also like to point Andy to the webpages of the American Cheese Society, Bacchus Cellars, Dorothy Lane
Market or Formaggio
Kitchen. As for the availability of fine
international cheeses in the U.S.A., I assume that Andy only stops at 7-11s
when he crosses the pond.
Nonetheless,
as founder of M.O.L.D., I graciously accept our induction into the most
honorable ranks of CRASS.
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Long
live
CHEESERACING!
(and a big <g> to Andy for
being such a good sport!)